Now. This moment.

Now. What are you feeling and experiencing right now? This moment.

Yes, Now. Where are you? What do see? Sunlight through the window or leaves on the tree. Your hands with a callous or a broken nail. The laundry to be folded or the inbox to be perused.

Now. Close your eyes. Feel the ground, the air, your body, each muscle, each movement, your breath, your breath… your breath.

Now. what do you smell? The bread on the counter, the plant in the earth, the soil, the wood on the floor where the sun excites the molecules. The potatoes in the bubbling pot or the fresh, soft linen on your bed. Sunlight like the warm rind of a lemon or rain like ozone and earth. Good. You are centering. Keep going. 

Now. What do you hear? Silence? No. Listen closer. Breeze in the trees, waves lap-lap-lapping, children laughing in the distance, insects buzzing around flowers, your air conditioner hum, the bird outside your window singing a familiar song.

Now. Go deeper. Within. What emotion are you experiencing at this moment? Pain is the past… let it go. Fear is the future… let it go. Now. Right there. Now. At the centre of it all. Gratitude. Gratefulness for the here, for now, for sight, for hearing, for touch, for breath, for sparkling sunlight and living soil, for bright birdsong and buzzy pollinators, for happy children and cooling rain. Breath deep. Sigh. Gratitude.

Now, did you find it, the gratefulness? Consider it, form it, feel it. And what is inside your rich, joyful gratitude? Yes. Now. Love.

Now… Love.

Soul-Oh: A journey of discovery

I’ve been spending quite a bit of time soul-oh since my spouse passed away in January. I do not mean solo or so-low, although I have done my share of these as well. As an introvert, I often spend time alone recharging my social batteries. Since my spouse passed, it has taken on a new aspect. I am discovering me, the me-after-him.

I have always told anyone who is just getting out of a relationship to make sure to take time alone, figure out who they are before getting into a new relationship. Any relationship, whether good or bad, changes us, teaches us. It may add a new layer of personality or peel another away. Perhaps, we discovered something that we do or do not like while with that other person and can apply it to another relationship. Take the time to adapt to that new aspect of you even if it is something small.

I spent eleven wonderful years with the man I love, seven of them very happily married. I am not the same woman I was when I met him. I am not the same woman I was when I was with him.

Before I met James, I had pretty much given up on finding love. All the men I came in contact with were interested in my friends. I was the side-kick and wing-man (wing-person?). I had finally accepted the fact that it just wasn’t meant to be for me. My prince charming wasn’t coming.  He was stuck in a tree. James changed that in a huge way. The night we met, he made a beeline across the dance floor and walked right up to me and asked me to dance. I’m not sure he even saw my friend. That was it. Simple as that. We danced the rest of the night. Even after the lights came up and the music stopped, we kept dancing. It happens in real life folks. I can attest to that. Lightning bolt.

James seemed oblivious to other women flirting with him. It just didn’t occur to him that they would. He only had eyes for me. And, believe me, the feeling was mutual. Mind you, we are not perfect physical specimens by any means. I’m overweight and have an old injury from a broken leg that didn’t quite heal right. He had bad teeth until a dentist fixed them up for him and one eye that sat a little lower than the other. I was ten years older than him. No, we weren’t perfect. We were perfect for each other.

I was told by the boys I dated (and I will say “boys,” not “men,” here) and society – through magazines, TV ads, and movies – that someone my size could never get the guy. I could aim for being the goofy, funny friend of the girl who gets the guy. Over the years that we had together – as I lost and gained weight, changed my hairstyle and hair colour, experienced loss of and starting new jobs – James never wavered from the way he saw me. The look in his eyes assured me he was not going anywhere. He stood firm and taught me that I am worthy of love. No one had been able to teach me that before. I’m not sure it had occurred to anyone to try.

So, now, he is gone but the love remains, the lessons remain. And I must take all that he taught me, all he changed in my heart, to move forward and build on who I am.

When I say that I went to a movie, took a drive, went on a hike or spent the weekend alone at home, do not feel sorry for the widow. I am on a journey of self-discovery. I am going to unearth the parts of my soul that were buried after others threw dirt on them because it offended them or did not suit their purpose. Each treasure I excavate will bring an exclamation of “Oh!”

If you happen to see me on the street, feel free to wave and cheer me on. I’m not alone; I’m travelling soul-oh!

Hope Springs

My part of the world, Eastern Canada, is experiencing many spring-like days this winter. Last year at this time we were battling snow, piling it higher than our heads. No, really. I was shoveling snow up over my shoulder and, during a break, made a snow angel WHILE standing up. I’m 5’8″. You do the math.

Anyway, today has been a perfectly lovely spring day…in February. I was outside in my sandals, yoga pants, a t-shirt and a cardigan. My search for a new job continues, but this is the kind of day that lifts the spirit and allows one to open the windows of the soul. Throw open the sash and let the sunshine and fresh air in. It is a great time to sweep the cobwebs from the corners of the mind and sleep from the corners of the eyes.

People on my social media feeds are posting pictures of bright purple and yellow crocuses, curly points of tulips and pussy  willows. Oh, the joy these little buds bring!

This feels like the time of year when the heart stirs and quickens, the limbs shake off shivery thoughts of heavy quilts, mulled wine and Netflix. We start to dream again of bonfire sparks floating up to dance with the stars, of the cooling lick of salty waves on our toes, and of sultry kisses on sun-dappled, perspiration-dewed skin. Sigh.

We might be thrown back into a blizzard in the next few weeks, but, Hope, folks (yes, with a capital H), it springs to life and screams its rage at winter and sorrow and death. It stomps about and yells, “Not yet! Not today!”

If you are in a part of the world where winter still holds you in its icy grip, here are a couple of songs that helped inspire this blog as I danced around my living room. Be sure to crank the volume so ol’ man winter can hear the music through the closed (for now) windows.

 

Today, I woke up

Today, I woke up.

I woke up feeling defeated and tired. I have been looking for a new job for three and a half months after a restructure at my last place of employment. I have been sending resumes and networking. I have been searching online job posting sites and connected with more than one recruiting agency.

Last month, I reached the half-way mark in my severance payout. It was half gone. This week, another milestone in the journey. My Employment Insurance (EI) payments started. It’s a relief to have that extra money coming in, but, at the same time, I sure do not want to become dependent on it.

I was scrolling through Facebook this morning. Checking on the news of others and enjoying pictures of dogs doing silly things when I came across a video posted by a friend.

I found myself weeping at the video’s message. Realizing that, once again, I had fallen into a pattern. A pattern of mindlessness, self-doubt, and self-deprecation. I wake up every morning, search for jobs in my field, send off resumes, and wait to hear back. Then, I spend the afternoon watching TV (HBO, Netflix, AMC are my go-to friends) and browsing Facebook while berating myself for not doing more, for not being more. The next day, it repeats.

While looking for work there is not much else one can do. Or, is there? I still, of course, have to look for work; however, I can do it with more purpose. If I have to look for work, it will be at a place where I am welcomed and proud of the work being done. In the meantime, I can exercise while I watch TV in order to help boost my morale and confidence. I can get together with friends who support me for a meal, a coffee, or just a walk in a park or on a beach.

Just because my work life stops for now, it does not mean life stops. This is not the last chapter of my life. Today, I pick up the pen to continue the story.

Today, I woke up.

This is the video:

Video by Mateusz M

Welcome! Grab a bowl!

Hi there! Welcome to Eclectic Popcorn!

Well, here I am! I have wanted to start a blog for years, but I kept putting it off. It was never the right time, or I could not decide on the “perfect” name, or the usual what if/who’ll read it/who cares?

I am currently between jobs and have a bit of down time, so, what better time to start? If not now, when?

One of the big reasons that I could not bring myself to blog was I could not decide upon a theme or topic on which to focus. I would sit at my computer and wonder what the heck will I even write about? You see, I have very eclectic tastes and myriad interests so I could not settle on one.

I love food, culture, and to travel. I care about the welfare of animals and the environment. I am interested in sociology, psychology, evolution, the stars, and archeology. I want to make the world a brighter place with inspiration and positivity. I am fascinated by relationships and human interactions in their many forms and all the emotions that go along with them. I am a TV- and movie-aholic. And to laugh. Oh, how I love to laugh! So, you can only imagine how stalled I was when I thought I had to pick just one!

Then, my wonderful brother and sister-in-law messaged me and encouraged me to write, just write. Huh! Novel notion.

My brother and I messaged back and forth over my trepidation about not even having a name and all the topics from which to choose. My lame attempt to procrastinate. My brother typed a response including the words “eclectic” and “potpourri”. He hit Send, autocorrect took over, and “Eclectic Popcorn” was born. With this kernel, I start my blogging journey.

Sometimes, all it takes is someone to believe in you to motivate you. And an interesting autocorrect.

So, I will be sharing whatever pops into my head or onto my news feed that I feel like sharing or boosting – occasionally flavoured with my own musings. It may be plain, salty, or buttery, but, hey, who doesn’t like popcorn? Okay, maybe not those annoying little kernel bits that get between your teeth. Bring some floss, just in case.

Mmm…can’t you just smell that buttery, nostril-caressing scent?

Come on in, grab a bowl, and have a seat!