The Courage to Risk Anew

As a widow, when I mention that I want someone to share my life with, to have passion in my life, it is often assumed that I am panicking about being lonely. I don’t need to be in a panic state to want passion, to want to feel that someone wants to be with me – not just anyone – but with ME. I want to be needed in someone’s life, to find someone that is open to receiving what I have to give, what I want to share. I am seeking a partner, a lifemate because I plan on sticking around this beautiful, amazing world for a while.

I want someone in my life who enjoys spending time with me and I enjoy being with them, who will join me in growing and learning. I want someone around to watch each other’s backs, witnesses to each other’s life with an intimacy that is at a higher level than sexual.

I miss the gentle touch on the way by as we pass each other in the kitchen or hallway, the quiet hand on my lower back that says so much. “I am here. I’ve got your six.” I miss having the type of intimacy where you can place tired feet and legs on someone’s lap and they place a warm hand on your skin, an electricity of wordless oneness circulates between two. Your lips can’t help but smile, your heart to sigh.

I am alone, yes, and, sure, on occasion lonely. I don’t dwell on the constant absence of a significant other in my life; however, I certainly miss having an Other. There is something in this kind of relationship that is different than a friendship, something that touches deeper. There is something that awakens your soul in a new way to make you stronger and more, well, You than you have ever been.

I am still who I became through love. The love has not gone away, so why would who I have grown into from that love? I have; however, grown even farther beyond that after a loss. Love has given me confidence. I know that I am capable of such loyal, giving, soul-changing love for another. I went well beyond my comfort zone through love and I continue to seek new boundaries. On the flip side, the loss has made me less quick to anger, more forgiving of others and myself. I am more adaptable to change, to make space for new people. Yet, I can also more easily let them go if it is time for us to part ways if we have learned all we need to learn from each other.

People usually assume that I am missing my husband, that I just want him back. Would I prefer that he didn’t die? Of course I do! That’s just a ridiculous question (and I have actually been asked that question!). But do I wish him back? No. How would focusing on what cannot happen help in my situation? He is not coming back and that is okay. It is alright to move forward in my life. Catherine Tidd of her blog says it best: “If that person was your soulmate then and now you’re a different person…who’s to say you won’t find the soulmate for the person you’ve become?” – Catherine Tidd, Widow Chick

So, when I say that I am ready to move forward, don’t you dare question my decision. We have had many private, deep, late-night discussions, my heart and I. My logical head and my passionate heart are aligned with peace, clarity and purpose. We do not fear the pain of heartbreak and loss, for we have not just survived but returned stronger than before! Once more unto the breach, dear heart!

 

“To have your heart ripped out and to then find the courage to risk it anew is to teach a powerful lesson about how we should live.” – Will Kearney, Marking Our Territory

 

The drowning of a widowed heart

Christmastime is upon us and, while many shop and gather together in friendship, I stand alone. Partly because I have been left alone by those I care about as they spend time with their close(r) friends and family. Also partly because I choose to be alone. I carry a sorrow that I cannot (and do not wish) to share. Even in my sadness, I wish for others to experience the happiness I had.

This time last year, my spouse, James, was in and out of hospitals dealing with chemo, blood transfusions, seizures and medications that carried him away down a river more quickly than expected, more quickly than I could follow. By January, he was gone, swept around the bend, out of sight for now.

Here I languish. I bob along with a slower flow, occasionally struggling against the current, often just floating, occasionally face up, often face down. Dead man’s float. I bide my time until it is my turn to be swept around the bend. Like a discarded, plastic soda bottle – empty, with no means to steer my own course.

For me, the holidays were always a time of intense loneliness, even in the crowd of my big family with tons of aunts, uncles, cousins gathered in a small farmhouse heated by a wood stove and bodies. Music from accordion, fiddle, and harmonica would tumble out the windows opened to let in crisp, snow-scented air. A cacophony of voices from a myriad of conversations would fight for position – federal and local politics, health of a grand-uncle in Boston, what a wayward cousin has been up to lately, where to place the still-warm rabbit pie on an already groaning table. Words and noise piling up, up, up towards the smoke-hazed light on the ceiling. I should have been happy. Even as a small child, I knew that I was unusual in my seclusion in a crowd. It made me feel that much more alone. Every so often I would slip off to another room or out to a corner of the barn to release the tears. Then I would readjust my mask and return to the noisy fold. No one ever noticed.

Twelve years ago all that changed in an amazing way. I met James on the eve of Christmas Eve, or Tibb’s Eve as it may be called by some. December 23rd, a day that is forever etched in my heart. December 26th was our first date. By New Year’s Eve, we just knew – this was It. We had found each other at long last. I didn’t have another lonely Christmas again until this year. So much love, joy and laughter in the too few years we had together.

The sudden absence of that happiness now creating a sucking whirlpool. It’s like all the loneliness and sorrow that I used to carry at Christmas was just off to the side, building itself up, biding its time, waiting to pounce. It’s back eleven-fold.

There is a saying, “Laugh now, cry later.” I never knew what that meant until now. The yin-yang yo-yo of life has flung me off the other way. I’m underwater, trying to get my bearings, grabbing at rocks and branches, but nothing is solid, no thing to stop the swirling and spiralling. It sucks. It sucks. It sucks.

I won’t be by myself this holiday season. My family will see to that. Sighing, I cling to the flotsam of a dusty, aged crate and dig through the memories it contains.

Ah, my mask. Here it is. It still fits.

Undone by a breeze

I can sometimes go a few days to a week with smiles and a few responses of, “Oh, yes, I’m fine.” Then, unexpectedly, I can be undone by a breeze.

Tonight, as I was walking to my car after work, a gentle breeze caused me to slow my step. The breeze smelled of the sea, of hope and a promise. It was a quiet sigh against the back of my neck and raised small, damp hairs on this muggy, summer’s day.

It felt like you were touching my forearm like you often did at night before taking me in your embrace, my back against your chest. As you took me into the enveloping warmth and safety of your trust and love, I would close my eyes, complete and content. I would drift off to sleep as you whispered, “I’ll never leave you.” Your breath on my neck was a gentle exhale that smelled of mint, of hope and a promise.

Another breeze and flashes of every time I was in your arms – the night we met and danced, our first kiss, our wedding as we danced to Feels Like Home, our last (and last) anniversary spooning in your hospital bed. “I’ll never leave you.”

Tonight, I was undone by a breeze. It was all I could do to get to my car before the first tear fell.

Forward into darkness

When you lose someone who has been such an essential part of your life, of your everyday, of…you, it shakes you to the core of your being. You are shattered on the floor in pieces and, at last, you understand Humpty’s predicament. There are no horses, no king’s men, no king.

You wrap up the business of dying, the paperwork, you’ve sorted through most of the pieces of your loved one’s life, the friends and family who gathered to support you have gone back to their lives and you sit alone. Very alone. You realize that an expansive, dark abyss exists in front of you. You slump at the weighty greatness of it. It has a terrifying beauty of its own. Your eyes widen just to try to take it all in.

This is the bulk of the dim and drab years ahead of you. The rest of your life without The One. Your future was woven and stitched together with the life of Your One. Now, you begin to pick at the glittering stitching and unravelling artful threads. Like the canker sore in the mouth, you continue to poke and pick in spite of the pain, maybe even because of it. A reminder that you still live, you exist, if only barely.

Some days the abyss gapes and you get dizzy at the stretch of years yet to come before you can rest from the agony of that damn soulful ache in the arms of love once more. Miles to go before I sleep.

Other days, the warm sun shines, the vivid flowers bloom, the sand and sea kiss and tickle your toes and you can focus on just today, just this moment. Then, without warning, you remember that The One loved days like this. Your hand clenches and unclenches. Nothing there. You hear laughter on the wind and gorgeous, excruciating memories swirl and buzz like gnats inside your head. Again the spinning void opens and vertigo swirls. The One is not there to catch you and yet…they are. They stand firm in your memories, your heart, your soul.

You know them – every smile, every turn of the head, every sound they make means something. You know. You know what they would do and say right now if they were standing beside you. You steady yourself and take a tentative step forward.