As a widow, when I mention that I want someone to share my life with, to have passion in my life, it is often assumed that I am panicking about being lonely. I don’t need to be in a panic state to want passion, to want to feel that someone wants to be with me – not just anyone – but with ME. I want to be needed in someone’s life, to find someone that is open to receiving what I have to give, what I want to share. I am seeking a partner, a lifemate because I plan on sticking around this beautiful, amazing world for a while.
I want someone in my life who enjoys spending time with me and I enjoy being with them, who will join me in growing and learning. I want someone around to watch each other’s backs, witnesses to each other’s life with an intimacy that is at a higher level than sexual.
I miss the gentle touch on the way by as we pass each other in the kitchen or hallway, the quiet hand on my lower back that says so much. “I am here. I’ve got your six.” I miss having the type of intimacy where you can place tired feet and legs on someone’s lap and they place a warm hand on your skin, an electricity of wordless oneness circulates between two. Your lips can’t help but smile, your heart to sigh.
I am alone, yes, and, sure, on occasion lonely. I don’t dwell on the constant absence of a significant other in my life; however, I certainly miss having an Other. There is something in this kind of relationship that is different than a friendship, something that touches deeper. There is something that awakens your soul in a new way to make you stronger and more, well, You than you have ever been.
I am still who I became through love. The love has not gone away, so why would who I have grown into from that love? I have; however, grown even farther beyond that after a loss. Love has given me confidence. I know that I am capable of such loyal, giving, soul-changing love for another. I went well beyond my comfort zone through love and I continue to seek new boundaries. On the flip side, the loss has made me less quick to anger, more forgiving of others and myself. I am more adaptable to change, to make space for new people. Yet, I can also more easily let them go if it is time for us to part ways if we have learned all we need to learn from each other.
People usually assume that I am missing my husband, that I just want him back. Would I prefer that he didn’t die? Of course I do! That’s just a ridiculous question (and I have actually been asked that question!). But do I 
wish him back? No. How would focusing on what cannot happen help in my situation? He is not coming back and that is okay. It is alright to move forward in my life. Catherine Tidd of her blog says it best: “If that person was your soulmate then and now you’re a different person…who’s to say you won’t find the soulmate for the person you’ve become?” – Catherine Tidd, Widow Chick
So, when I say that I am ready to move forward, don’t you dare question my decision. We have had many private, deep, late-night discussions, my heart and I. My logical head and my passionate heart are aligned with peace, clarity and purpose. We do not fear the pain of heartbreak and loss, for we have not just survived but returned stronger than before! Once more unto the breach, dear heart!
“To have your heart ripped out and to then find the courage to risk it anew is to teach a powerful lesson about how we should live.” – Will Kearney, Marking Our Territory
Eclectic Popcorn 